The Best Rejections
Related Categories: Claire North Posts, Misc.
- The Chinese Rejection. “Dear X, thank you for your submitted novel. I read it in a fugue, tears pouring down my face with every word. I can honestly say that your text stunned me, sometimes to the point of just rocking where I sat, crying out in mute, hollow despair. It is absolutely magnificent, it is, indeed, so magnificent that I am now forced to admit that yay, though my publishing house should flourish for 10,000 years… though my competitors should wither away, though indeed I and only I were to receive the Nobel Prize for Services to Awesome, still… I would not be worthy to publish your great text.”
- The ‘far too busy’ rejection. “Dear X, thank you for your application. It is always a joy to meet new people and I am fascinated by the things you’ve achieved in your career, especially the 2000 words you spent describing that time you saw a giraffe. Unfortunately my client list is already very full and I would hate to commit to taking on another client, knowing that I personally did not have the time to do right by you. Your work is important; too important for me to squander it by being unavailable when you need me.”
- The ‘market forces’ rejection. “Dear X, thank you for your manuscript. Unfortunately as you know, these are turbulent times for publishing, and your latest novel, ‘That Thing My Ex-Girlfriend Did That Really Pissed Me Off, a biography’ just isn’t falling within our current list. We are a literary publishing house specialising in novels of the 1750s, and as such I’m sorry to say I don’t think we would be the right list to place your novel with.”
- The ‘you were our next best choice’ rejection. “Dear X, it was absolutely wonderful to meet you. You were exactly what we were looking for in a [creative type]. However, after long discussions amongst ourselves and with the team, we have offered the position to someone else. If, however, they say no to us, then we hope you would be willing to leave the time open and wait a few weeks to hear back from us so that you could potentially fill this role as a backup.”
- The ‘it’s not me, it’s you’ rejection. “Dear X, I read your book. I thought it was profound, moving, crafted and joyful. However I personally have never got on with zombies. You are clearly a profound talent, but I just don’t think I’m the right person to represent your brilliance.”
- The ‘generic email’ rejection. “Dear X, Thank you for your application. Unfortunately it has been unsuccessful. Signature Here.”
- The ‘we invited you but only on automatic’ rejection. “Thank you for your RSPV. While we appreciate the effort, it isn’t actually necessary for you to tell us if you’re not attending.”
- The ‘shit that all actresses get all the time’ rejection. “Dear X, your audition was stunning. You have the grace, the charm, the wit and the understanding to fill this role perfectly. You captured the very essence of the character’s soul, and clearly brought her to life in a way that no one else in the rehearsal room could possibly achieve. You are clearly meant to play this part. However, after due consideration, we have decided to give the role to [an actress who was once in a soap opera] because we really feel that someone a little more feminine, younger and less ethnic would suit the production better.”
